That Time When I Got Mad On My Friend's Behalf

...and said nothing.  Because she asked me not to. *sigh*  It's hard to sit back and watch your friend be treated unfairly.  Honestly, if we were geographically closer, I don't think I would have been able to keep quiet.  It would be a very long drive for me to just go and give people a piece of my mind.  Not that it would make a difference in any way - I guess the thing I'm struggling with is how people can be cruel for no real reason?  I see no gain for them.  Zero.  The only thing they've gained is winning a power struggle.  Congrats.  Enjoy that, and whatever else comes with it.

I've never truly understood group politics.  I'm not the type of person who is out to get anything from anyone else.  My focus is always on how I can contribute to the group, whether that's at work, or church, or among friends, or here in blogland...  I'm definitely a competitive person, and fiercely loyal, but not to the point of tearing someone else down to make myself feel better.  I don't understand how someone can live inside their own head when they feel that way!  Talk about misery!  I would actually prefer to work toward someone else's success than try to make them fail.

My friend had her confidence betrayed by someone she called a friend, who then "spun" what was said in confidence into vicious lies, and the result was pretty major.  Not just for my friend and her family, but for a larger group.  I'm angry and hurt on her behalf, and there's nothing I can do to help.  I can reassure her that the people who did this have something broken inside them, that her actions all along the way were totally reasonable (based on the information and trust she had).  That she is better off knowing now who she can trust and who she can't, and that she finally has the freedom to control who she lets into her life.  But that doesn't change what's happened.  It doesn't erase the hurt, or the loss.  It doesn't restore friendships for her children.  It doesn't restore their security, or provide answers for their next steps.  It doesn't encourage her to make new friends in the future.

But because she asked me to stay quiet until after important conversations were had, and facts disseminated, I didn't post vague Facebook statuses or share (too many) supportive rainbow-glitter style pictures.  No more than usual.  I did find myself reverting to about 13 years of age, wanting to post status updates about "some people needing to grow up..." - then I realized how it sounded.  I even held this blog post for a week or so to avoid causing my friend any more difficulty.

All of this may be why I've been thinking about anxiety and ways to handle stress.  And on the positive side, has given me inspiration to start writing again.

So now I'm going to say this: Lies hurt people.  Spreading lies not only continues to hurt the person being lied about, but it hurts the person telling them - like I tell my children, if you lie to me, how can I trust you?  Eventually the truth comes out - either in public, or in realization within yourself.  And then the liars face That Moment When You Realize You Tried To Ruin Someone's Life Just Because You Were A Terrible Person.

When Silence is a Good Thing

You know that saying, "Silence is golden.  Unless you have a toddler.  Then it's very, very bad."  Or something like that.  Well, I'm definitely not a toddler, so let's say that a long absence from this blog means things are going pretty well!

I have mentally started 10 or 12 posts in the last several months, but never made it to a keyboard to get them online.  I think somewhere I have pictures of baby gift #2 (baby boy was born before Thanksgiving, and I got to hold him when he was 2 days old, and he's sweet, and his mommy loved his gifts and his daddy loved the meals I put in their freezer).  If you follow me on Instagram, you've seen my finished Legion of Boom socks (which I proudly wore to watch my Seahawks decimate the Denver Broncos!!) as well as another pair of socks I've started.  I also made myself a couple of shrugs recently.  I have no pictures of those, I really should try to get pictures of me wearing them for you.

Currently, I have another secret project going.  I've been doing a lot of knitting, and zero cross stitching.  I broke my sewing machine a few months ago while trying to hem a pair of jeans - okay, so the whole machine is probably not broken, but it's more than just the needle that's broken.  Yes, I sewed over a pin.  Yes, I continued to use the broken needle, because denim.  There's no way I'm hand-hemming denim!  But it caused more damage than just the broken needle.  I'm sure I would make a repair person very happy by bringing it for a look!  But for now it sits on the table, because I don't have time to deal with it!

Beyond my hooks and needles, church is great, work is great, the kids are great, the dog is great.  My yard is not great.  We've been in this house for almost 5 years, and I still don't have it the way I want it.  I think it's time for me to declare "I'm just not a gardener", plant flowers in containers and do my best to keep grass alive.

On a personal note, next month marks the end of the series of "one year ago today" moments I've been living through.  I think passing the one year marker on several key moments in my divorce has been a good thing.  But I'm glad they're coming to an end.  I don't want to live the rest of my life marking the passage of time based on something painful.

I'm not going to end this post by making promises to be a better blogger.  If you've stayed with me through the last 6 and a half years, you know I have long silences with bright moments in between.  I'm glad that some of you are inspired by what I write, and what I stitch.  I'm grateful for your comments and your shares over the years.  I take it as a good sign that I've had the urge to write more recently.  Schedule willing, I'll be back again...sometime......

Reflections (part 2) - Introspection

There were 2 ways to go with this post - angry or introspective.  I've chosen introspection.  Sorry, there aren't any pictures of work, or lighthearted quotes.  This is coming straight from my heart, and I hope that at some point it speaks to and helps someone else.

You don't get to choose the lessons you learn.  Sometimes in the middle of trouble you think you know what lesson you will learn, or what you would like to learn.  But you don't get to choose.  The lessons come with time, with healing, with perspective.  There's no passing grade on a test, there's no sudden recall of information that you can point to and say, "On this day I learned such-and-such about myself."  There's a slow dawning.  A gradual change in responses and behavior.  A sudden realization that somewhere along the way you've learned and changed.

I've entered this wonderful-awful period of "one year ago today."  Specifically, one year ago today, my ex-husband hinted that he was done with our marriage.  It would take him another 5 days to actually tell me he wanted a divorce.  One year ago today marks the beginning of 5 days of turmoil and pleading-prayers in the middle of the night.  Of holding myself together, of being "strong" for everyone else.  Of deciding what I would say if the "worst" happened, of preparing my bargains if it didn't.  Of wishing I could just jump backwards to where everything was "normal" or forward to where everything is okay.

I really wasn't sure if I would ever write this post.  But I started thinking about how differently I think about things from a year ago.  One year ago today I was blindsided.  I had no clue what he was talking about.  I thought we were "totally happy."  Looking back I can feel the tension and the anxiety, the unhappiness that was under the surface in my own heart.  (This isn't a new revelation, I've known it for months.  This is just the time I'm choosing to share it.)

One year ago today I thought the lessons I would learn were that I'm strong enough, I can get through anything, I don't have to depend on another person for my happiness (all of these are true).  The lesson I thought I wanted to learn was about who I am as a person.  But I found myself looking to rediscover who I was before I got married, when I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted but I didn't.  It's hard to admit that I'd totally forgotten who that person was and what was important to her.  Then I remembered that she was 21 years old and didn't know anything about anything!!

What I've truly learned (so far, I don't think 1 year is enough time for this to be complete) is that the things that were important to me on August 20 of last year will be important to me on August 22 of this year - one year and recollection of bad days can't take away my joy in making things with my hands, of watching my children discover new things about their world, of wanting to be valued, relied upon, loved.  The wonderful part of this is that none of those things have changed!  If anything I'm more focused on family, creating with my hands, and increasing my value in my own eyes.  I'm less focused (I think) on what other people think of me.  The defensiveness that marked far too many years of my life is dropping away, and I feel at peace with myself and my decisions!