This Year I Resolve To Work On One Project At A Time

I'm just kidding; I would never ever do that!  But you're reading!

Yes, I know what the productivity experts say about focus and really being able to devote attention to tasks.  And I think we've had this conversation before on this blog.  I think a creative person needs a certain amount of chaos to sort out, mess to organize, a reasonable number of problems to solve in order to function.  At least I do!  It may take longer to finish something this way, but my enjoyment in what I do is a lot higher than if I treated it like a task.  In general, I am a highly efficient person at work and at home - I am the type of person that sits at the table for a minute after dinner, mentally plotting the most efficient way to clear all plates, serving pieces, glasses, etc.  It's like a puzzle to me.  But with hand-made pieces it's a different type of efficiency - not based on "getting done" as quickly as possible.  My enjoyment is from the process.  Why would I want to be done stitching quickly?  What do you all think?  Is anyone else like this?

In honor of turning the pages of the calendar, I thought I would post my "Wish To Finish" list for 2015:

- $5 In Paris sweater (I haven't posted any pictures of this yet, as I haven't done a lot of work on it since I started up blogging again)
- Dorotheos x2
- Frame "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" and both "Dorotheos" for my bedroom
- Cross-stitch design I started working on over a year ago on my computer - I want to complete the pattern so I can share it!
- National Crochet month series of posts (that will be for March)
- Promised knitting tutorials for hat and hooded fingerless mitts

As I look this over, I don't have a lot of new projects planned, but I certainly have room for them!  Do you all have any fun project starts planned for 2015?  Share in the comments - either your planned starts or your thoughts on doing one thing at a time - or both!

Happy New Year!

That Time When I Got Mad On My Friend's Behalf

...and said nothing.  Because she asked me not to. *sigh*  It's hard to sit back and watch your friend be treated unfairly.  Honestly, if we were geographically closer, I don't think I would have been able to keep quiet.  It would be a very long drive for me to just go and give people a piece of my mind.  Not that it would make a difference in any way - I guess the thing I'm struggling with is how people can be cruel for no real reason?  I see no gain for them.  Zero.  The only thing they've gained is winning a power struggle.  Congrats.  Enjoy that, and whatever else comes with it.

I've never truly understood group politics.  I'm not the type of person who is out to get anything from anyone else.  My focus is always on how I can contribute to the group, whether that's at work, or church, or among friends, or here in blogland...  I'm definitely a competitive person, and fiercely loyal, but not to the point of tearing someone else down to make myself feel better.  I don't understand how someone can live inside their own head when they feel that way!  Talk about misery!  I would actually prefer to work toward someone else's success than try to make them fail.

My friend had her confidence betrayed by someone she called a friend, who then "spun" what was said in confidence into vicious lies, and the result was pretty major.  Not just for my friend and her family, but for a larger group.  I'm angry and hurt on her behalf, and there's nothing I can do to help.  I can reassure her that the people who did this have something broken inside them, that her actions all along the way were totally reasonable (based on the information and trust she had).  That she is better off knowing now who she can trust and who she can't, and that she finally has the freedom to control who she lets into her life.  But that doesn't change what's happened.  It doesn't erase the hurt, or the loss.  It doesn't restore friendships for her children.  It doesn't restore their security, or provide answers for their next steps.  It doesn't encourage her to make new friends in the future.

But because she asked me to stay quiet until after important conversations were had, and facts disseminated, I didn't post vague Facebook statuses or share (too many) supportive rainbow-glitter style pictures.  No more than usual.  I did find myself reverting to about 13 years of age, wanting to post status updates about "some people needing to grow up..." - then I realized how it sounded.  I even held this blog post for a week or so to avoid causing my friend any more difficulty.

All of this may be why I've been thinking about anxiety and ways to handle stress.  And on the positive side, has given me inspiration to start writing again.

So now I'm going to say this: Lies hurt people.  Spreading lies not only continues to hurt the person being lied about, but it hurts the person telling them - like I tell my children, if you lie to me, how can I trust you?  Eventually the truth comes out - either in public, or in realization within yourself.  And then the liars face That Moment When You Realize You Tried To Ruin Someone's Life Just Because You Were A Terrible Person.

Reflections (part 2) - Introspection

There were 2 ways to go with this post - angry or introspective.  I've chosen introspection.  Sorry, there aren't any pictures of work, or lighthearted quotes.  This is coming straight from my heart, and I hope that at some point it speaks to and helps someone else.

You don't get to choose the lessons you learn.  Sometimes in the middle of trouble you think you know what lesson you will learn, or what you would like to learn.  But you don't get to choose.  The lessons come with time, with healing, with perspective.  There's no passing grade on a test, there's no sudden recall of information that you can point to and say, "On this day I learned such-and-such about myself."  There's a slow dawning.  A gradual change in responses and behavior.  A sudden realization that somewhere along the way you've learned and changed.

I've entered this wonderful-awful period of "one year ago today."  Specifically, one year ago today, my ex-husband hinted that he was done with our marriage.  It would take him another 5 days to actually tell me he wanted a divorce.  One year ago today marks the beginning of 5 days of turmoil and pleading-prayers in the middle of the night.  Of holding myself together, of being "strong" for everyone else.  Of deciding what I would say if the "worst" happened, of preparing my bargains if it didn't.  Of wishing I could just jump backwards to where everything was "normal" or forward to where everything is okay.

I really wasn't sure if I would ever write this post.  But I started thinking about how differently I think about things from a year ago.  One year ago today I was blindsided.  I had no clue what he was talking about.  I thought we were "totally happy."  Looking back I can feel the tension and the anxiety, the unhappiness that was under the surface in my own heart.  (This isn't a new revelation, I've known it for months.  This is just the time I'm choosing to share it.)

One year ago today I thought the lessons I would learn were that I'm strong enough, I can get through anything, I don't have to depend on another person for my happiness (all of these are true).  The lesson I thought I wanted to learn was about who I am as a person.  But I found myself looking to rediscover who I was before I got married, when I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted but I didn't.  It's hard to admit that I'd totally forgotten who that person was and what was important to her.  Then I remembered that she was 21 years old and didn't know anything about anything!!

What I've truly learned (so far, I don't think 1 year is enough time for this to be complete) is that the things that were important to me on August 20 of last year will be important to me on August 22 of this year - one year and recollection of bad days can't take away my joy in making things with my hands, of watching my children discover new things about their world, of wanting to be valued, relied upon, loved.  The wonderful part of this is that none of those things have changed!  If anything I'm more focused on family, creating with my hands, and increasing my value in my own eyes.  I'm less focused (I think) on what other people think of me.  The defensiveness that marked far too many years of my life is dropping away, and I feel at peace with myself and my decisions!

Happy Mail Day To Me!

It's just one piece of mail, but it's been sooooooo long since I had any stitching supplies arrive!  Thanks to 123stitch for nearly instant gratification!

There's not a lot here, but I'm excited about it!

I put the throw pillow from my bed behind so you can see how nicely the colors work together - this will be a decoration for my room.  I have NONE of my stitching hanging anywhere in my house.  And I have no artwork in my bedroom right now, other than kid-art.  I deserve to have something I've made that I love in my room.  So I ordered 28-count Monaco (my fav fab) in Tea and some over-dyed threads from Threadworx - Rich Chocolate (which has a very subtle variegation) and Hidden Treasures.  Which I think was dyed just for me.

The pattern is from My Big Toe (hooray for Boise-area designers, boo for no more LNS to shop in) - "Great Is Thy Faithfulness," which is my all-time favorite hymn.  I plan to stitch this with some combination of Doro Theos to make a meaningful installation in my bedroom.  And I may not wait until 2014 to start!

Reflections (part 1)

This has been a year of a lot of changes for me.  I'm starting the process for myself of looking at then-and-now scenarios - what my life was like a year ago, and what it's like now.  While there have been a handful of difficult events (or bad changes), most of the changes have been good.  At least they have been productive.

For example, I finally redid my bedroom!  It was an important part of my "process", of dealing with the divorce - finding who I am as an adult-single-person.

Here's the before - 5 shots to try to give you a 360 view of the room:

Some things I want to point out - I haven't had a "real bed" since I graduated from high school.  When we got married, we had a futon on a futon frame (because that's what we could afford) and dressers and bedside tables that were given to us.  We were never able to afford to have a grown-up room.  We replaced the futon mattress in 2002, and some time in 2007 we got rid of the futon frame.  So my mattress and box spring were on the floor for almost 6 years.  This room was depressing, and bland, and didn't reflect my personality at all.

First change: color!

Next change - finding a home for my yarn so I could move my clothes back in the real closet:

(Or moving my clothes back in the real closet so I could make a home for my yarn)

This took math, but I was thrilled to find out that my reach-in closet is actually deep enough that I can walk in.  And house laundry.  And use hanging sweater-shelf things.

Then - a bed!!

This is sort of a sleigh bed - it has an angled headboard so I can lean against it.  And I love the "waves" carved in it.

Some white curtains to cover the closet, new bedding and totally unnecessary pillows!

 I'm not totally done:

I found this great corner chair that goes so nicely with the paint color, and makes me very happy to sit in!  I still need a lamp and a footstool to make this a cozy reading/stitching corner.

Obviously, I still need some artwork, as well.  I did find a clock at Hobby Lobby that has the aqua color I love.  And with the photo session I just had with my girls, I'll have some fresh photos to put up, too.  I really want a large kind of canvas looking piece (or group of pieces) over the bed that will bring in more of the aqua and browns and make it feel more complete.  But as it is right now, this is a restful space.  The girls and I curl up on the bed to have "important" talks.  And even better:

Annie can see out the window without standing on her hind legs